Thursday, July 28, 2011

So, I'm Not a Saint...: A Post about Being Nervous

In the course of my life, I've read St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Don Bosco, St. Mary Mazzarello, St. Louise de Marillac, St. Vincent de Paul, St. Therese, St. Teresa of Avila and a handful of other saints who I'm forgetting now.

A convent door in Bolivia. Granted, the
DCs aren't nuns and their houses
are not called "convents" but still.
(That to be explained in another post.) 
But nowhere have I seen, written or otherwise, that they were nervous about entering the seminary/convent.

Which frustrates me because I won't deny that, despite my excitement, I am.
I'm walking into pre-postulancy with a LOT of excitement but also a slightly nervous wreck.

And just yesterday, I did something I very rarely do - I missed an appointment with someone because I slept in. I'm very German in the fact that I hate being late to anything and the fact that I had to postpone an appointment, even though it was only postponed for a few hours and the person I was meeting had no problem doing that...it drove me up the wall. I know part of it was my nerves, wondering about Monday, the day I will move into my new house in Macon.

A blog post by a Salesian Sister comforted me a bit, although I had heard the same thing from Sr. Denise and various other Sisters. She wrote about a Sister entering in 1873 and how she was nervous entering. The Sister added "And again, those of you worried about entering - her heart was pounding, the doors to the convent opened, and she was nervous - and it's OKAY!"

Breathe in, breathe out.

And truthfully, I don't even know why I'm nervous. I know the Sisters I'll live with are great. I know the house is great. The community around us is great. I know we have the amazing advantage of going to Mass every day. But I still have butterflies still flying around in my stomach.

I wasn't going to post that I was nervous. After all, it is a very private thing...or at least for me, it is. And even embarrassing. I have no problem showing my excitement and joy in finding my vocation. But something "bad" like nerves? Nuh-uh. But that blog post by the Salesian Sister inspired me to say something. Why? Because I don't want anyone else reading this, who may be discerning or who may be entering a religious community soon, to think that it's not normal to be nervous - every Sister I've come in counter with has told me that. Or to think I must be some saint because I'm not nervous at all. Neither one of those is true.

So I swallowed my pride and posted this. Because while this blog is a way for me to keep in contact with friends and family while I'm now a pre-postulant living states away from home, more than anything, I want to reach out for those discerning. Why? Not because I want them to be Daughters of Charity (although that would be pretty cool) But because truth is, there's not much out there for us discerners. Sure, there's much more out there than when I was initially discerning - things like the VISION magazine and blogs by religious (like Sister Denise's) - but it's still hard to find others that are discerning. You may feel lonely. Or weird. Or confused. I write, bearing my soul, to let others know that they're not alone...and that, while you're radically breaking against everything society is telling you to do just by thinking about religious life, you're still normal.

And apparently, it's normal to be nervous too. So, I take a deep breath and continue on with a smile on my face, knowing that despite the nervousness, I'll be okay.

4 comments:

  1. Totally normal to be nervous. I'd be worried if you weren't! This is huge, and so counter-cultural. But if you follow your heart--and invite Jesus into your nervousness with you--you'll find yourself where you're supposed to be.

    I seem to remember I had insomnia and an eye twitch the weeks before I entered the novitiate ... but it went away once I settled into the newness of it all.

    Blessings

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  2. Great post girlie! Thanks for sharing :)

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  3. Thanks for this honest sharing! I have posted a link to it on http://www.famvin.org/en

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  4. Said a prayer for you today!

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